Understanding Separation Anxiety

Although separation anxiety is a very normal part of child development, it is still stressful… for children, parents, and caregivers.  When we have a clear understanding of what is behind children’s feelings of anxiety or sadness, we are better equipped to create a plan with parents that will support the particular needs of each child.

In this article, we describe the various emotional responses to separation that children are likely to experience at each developmental stage, and offer tips for helping parents navigate challenges that can occur during the morning drop-off transition.

The Link between Individual Development & Separation

Separation anxiety is common, but each child’s experience of anxiety is unique.  Children go through developmental stages at different rates, and some children have a more difficult time with separation than others.

For Infants

According to the American Academy of Pediatrics, separation anxiety develops after a child gains an understanding of object permanence (meaning that items still exist, even when they cannot be seen) and is able to realize that when they don’t see their parent, that is because their parent has gone some place else. While, the typical age at which children understand object permanence and first experience separation anxiety is 9 months, this can happen as early as 4 months.

For Toddlers

Toddlerhood is often the peak of separation anxiety. American Academy of Pediatrics explains that “Separations are more difficult when children are hungry, tired, or sick—which describes most of toddlerhood! As children develop independence during toddlerhood, they may become even more aware of separations. Their behaviors at separations will be loud, tearful, and difficult to stop.”

For Preschool-aged Children

BabyCenter explains that children typically grow out of separation anxiety around their third birthday. At this age, children are better able to understand a parent’s explanation for leaving and promise to return. While you may still see temporary anxiety episodes, these tend to be limited to new transitions, as in the case of a new center or new caregiver.

How to Help Parents

When children are anxious, their parent’s also likely to experience anxiety. No parent wants to see their child feeling sad or upset, and leaving a child in that state can lead to feelings of guilt.

Be sure to remind parents that separation anxiety is temporary, and that it will eventually pass. Kids Health reminds us that if a child has never been cared for by anyone but parents, it is completely natural for them to worry when seeing parents leave. Some children, depending on personality or temperament, might struggle more than others.

Tips for Parents

The American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) offers several tips that you can share with parents who have trouble handling these goodbyes. Some of their recommendations include:

• Create quick and consistent goodbye routines: When parents linger, the goodbye process gets dragged out, and this can cause children to feel more anxious. It is best to be quick and to follow through, even if the child begins to cry or get upset. Consistency helps children establish a routine with parents so that they know what to expect. Encourage parents to do the same thing each day at drop-off, whether it is a goodbye song or a special hug.

• Talk to children using easy-to-understand specifics: AAP recommends that parents describe when they are going to return using phrases such as, “I’ll be back after nap time and before afternoon snack.”

• Keep promises: When parents tell their children that they are leaving and let them know when they will be back, it is important for them to stick to that plan. Although we always want parents to feel welcome in the classroom, remind them that coming back to visit can be confusing for their child and often requires going through the transition process all over again.

You might also enjoy reading the Good2Know article:

Rituals & Routines that Support Infant/Toddler Emotional Development